We as humans are inherently selfish. At the end of the day, all we care about is the bottom line for us. What will happen to me? What will be the outcome in regards to me? When we are hurt, it is all about "I". Is there anything wrong wit that? Not necessarily. You see, when people are going through something, they feel that their individual problem is that of entire world.
Nothing can possibly compare to what I'm going through. You cant understand, because you haven't exactly been through what I'm going through. If your circumstances weren't exactly the same, and you didn't respond in exactly the same manner and the outcome wasn't exactly like mine, you cant possible understand me; because you didn't go through what I went through.
We all have issues with understanding the trials and tribulations of life. We feel that our pain is ours and we own it. I have come across very few people that strive to internalize and keep secret their strife secret. So secret is their pain, that any attempt to identify and help is met with scorn and resentment.
Life is life. We all go through things. We all experience highs and lows. What's a pebble to you may be a boulder to someone else. Our coping mechanisms vary greatly and come from experiences that may have hardened us to or just at a basic level, made us more aware; allowing for a certain level of empathy. Life is life and can be hard at times. We get so caught up on pain sometime that we lose sight of what it is that is going right in our lives. Recently, a friend of mine issued this quote on a man wanting-"Sometimes a man can want something so bad, be so full of want...he plain forgets what it is he wants." I think the sentiment applies here- we are so consumed by our pain that it blinds us to the good in our lives; to the good people in our lives. If our pain is caused by someone hurting us, we lose sight of those that are trying to help us; those that arr trying to put a smile on our faces. All we see is that pain and that hurt. If the pain is caused by the lost of something, all we see is that loss. We cant seem to see what we have acquired in that loss; we don't see that in that void, we have been blessed with the opportunity to gain something of even more remarkable wealth, but how will you be able to acquire that item or blessing if you're so consumed with the pain of the loss?
We all have our moments of strength and weakness. If we aren't careful, sometimes our moments of weakness can be all consuming and often times define us. How would you feel if you were then labeled by the weakest moment in your life? How would you feel, if at your lowest, people chose to only remember you as such? Think back to your weakest moment and imagine what a life would be like living in that moment day in and day out. Pretty bad right? Why then would you want to hold on to something like that? The same thing applies to pain. If pain is seen as a moment of weakness, why then, do we as a people, hold on to pain so strongly? Why are we able to allow love go by the way side? Why are we able to remember transgressions and mistakes more readily then that of a good deed? It is said that we are a reflection of Christ Jesus, and that through our acts others should be able to see God within us. If such is true and we all know that Jesus Christ forgave our sins, why then do we not forgive sins? Sins not in the ultimate bad or evil, but in in simple transgression against your own commandments. God forgave sins and we are reflection of God and thus should forgive sins, if not to forgive them what shall you do with them? John 2o-23: 23If you forgive anyone his sins, they are forgiven; if you do not forgive them, they are not forgiven."
If your don't forgive sins, what are you going to do with them if you don't forgive them? Some people take those same unforgiven sins and like to remind people of those sins.we like to remind people of what they did, of how messed up they are. Any chance we get we throw in their face that they once sinned, that they once made a mistake, that they once fell short. We like to hit them over the head with the fact that they made a mistake. Thus leading to a road of guilt on that person. I'll get to that in a bit. I am guilty of this.
Guilt is an incredible thing. Guilt can be one of the strongest emotions. Guilt can transform you. Look at the definition of guilt:
1.the fact or state of having committed an offense, crime, violation, or wrong, esp. against moral or penal law; culpability: He admitted his guilt.
2.a feeling of responsibility or remorse for some offense, crime, wrong, etc., whether real or imagined.
3.conduct involving the commission of such crimes, wrongs, etc.: to live a life of guilt.
Sometimes we allow our issues to get in the way of our blessings. We allow our issues to take over and bar us from achieving what is rightfully ours. We allow our issues to cripple us and stop us from being where we need to be or being with who we need to be with. We have issues with getting over them. That damn guilt thing again.
You aren't going to come out of a situation wound-less. You will rise up with the marks of that fall. Wounds don't have the final word. Wounds shouldn't contain and define you. Let me tell you something, it is OK to walk around with open wounds; with wounds from your past; with wounds made by other people. I am here to tell you that, yes you can live in spite of your wounds. Live with the wounds, not the pain of the wounds. Pain shouldn't define you. Don't be afraid of the scars and wounds. We don't like to allow others to see the depth of our damage; the depth of our pain and struggle. We like to cover up our wounds, but what those wounds show is that you're still standing. All they show is that you have been through something and survived. Do you get it? That you survived. And we all love a survivor.
I have walked around with the guilt of my sins, or my transgressions, or my mistakes, and shortcomings. I have allowed it to consume me to the point that I have missed out on some rather remarkable acquisitions. I have been blind to the good that surrounds me and the people that have come into my life to help me out of my situation. Sometimes we pray and wish for something, that if it doesn't come in the package or in the way we thought it would come we don't see it nor accept it. many times we miss out because we just so damn stubborn. We are hurt and i want to be healed like this and that's it. But why not just be healed? Why does everything have to be a specific way? I know you didn't orchestrate the issue of the pain why would you be so constructive in the healing of that pain?
Its time to get over it. We made choices in our lives. We all have plans, but what we need to understand that God has a bigger plan for us and laughs at the plans that we make. We made decisions that we thought would be good for us. So why do we look back and regret those decisions. Why do we look back on things that once made us smile? why do we hold on to things that don't want to or shouldn't be held on to? Its time to get over it. Yesterday, you were a different person and that person was weaker and in that situation because of that weakness. You got out of that situation. you should never look back and think it would have been better if you had remained in that situation for in order to gain in abundance you have to give up something to make room for it. Don't be consumed with people and their mistakes to the point that you are blinded to what they truly bring to the table. Don't look at a person simply for their lowest moment for as humans we will have those times, because we all know we want to be seen for the strength that we exude. Get over it. Forgive yourself. Forgive yourself o your sins and thus move on. Let not guilt, hurt or pain, sentence you to a bittersweet existence. Let not guilt, hurt or pain, isolate you from the blessings God has in store for you. Do not be so consumed that you aren't aware of whats going on right under your nose. Time to make a change. let go those self imposed shackles and walk upright. You have every reason to. Stand proud with the wounds of your past for they give you character and allow you to see things from a multitude of angles. While we aren't all going to experience the same things, the context of the situation can be the same. don't shun a person's help of their seemingly understand because they have experienced what exactly you have. maybe its that different angle you can use to see things in your situation a little more clearly.
Remember if you left somewhere, you did so according to God's plan and he has good in-store for you. Where you are is where you are suppose to be, don't allow pain to be the reason you don't end up where you suppose to be or with whom you're suppose to be.
23If you forgive anyone his sins, they are forgiven; if you do not forgive them, they are not forgiven."
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Monday, March 22, 2010
Messiah Complex: Day One
How long can you play the role of victim? How long does it take for you to graduate to that of survivor? When does it become necessary for you to transform from a mere survivor, to that of a full fledged warrior?
He was on top of the world. No one could tell him anything. He felt invincible. Trail after trail that came before him, he dominated and excelled. He was Jack of all Trades, a master of all he surveyed. His power was only limited to his own imagination. Then just like that, it was all gone. The power and ability he once commanded with ease was a distant memory. The glories of his conquests were all thrown to legend. He became a broken man. Beaten and bruised. For years he would travel and sulk; licking his wounds. He found himself a shell of his former-self. Even the mundane became drastically hard to accomplish. He was bombarded with failure after failure. He was ashamed. He called out for help and none came. Those that were around him in his glory days were nowhere to be found. They all abandoned him. What good was he to anyone? He hides away in a cave. The guilt and shame he felt forced him to hide himself. He ventured deeper and deeper in this cave of intense darkness hoping to just wallow away. He didn't think he could ever rightfully face the people of this world. He hoped to die. Weaker and weaker he became. Then a mighty roar was heard and the he found himself sharing the cave with almighty and ferocious beast. The beast attacked. He thought to just lay there and allow the animal to devour him. To kill him off and end his misery. But something awoken in him and in the last minute he rolled out of the way. He stood up for the first time in years and looked the beast dead in the eyes. Something in the man had changed. In the face of death he was reborn. He looked at the beast as the culmination of all his issues and problems and thought that he should at least face them standing like a man. He engaged the best in a turbulent battle. The cave shakes and rattled. The floor beneath them caved in and the two, man and beast found themselves in a might pit. His mind was racing, he was facing his issues, but things still seemed to get worst and worst. Now he was in a damn pit. Even if he was to survive the encounter with the beats, he wouldn’t be able to escape the pit. But he endured. He continued fighting. The beast seemed to get bigger and bigger as despair continued to set in. But He would face it head on. He would no longer allow his mistakes to dictate his future. He was on top before, he would do it again. He would not hide and die. He was better than that. He fought on. And finally he killed the beast. And then he stood on top of the carcass of the dead animal to prop hi up and help him out of the pit. Then for the first time in years. He stood and basked in the glory of the day. Embraced the sunshine and walked on.
Why am I looking in the mirror. I hate looking in the mirror. I am disgusted with the reflection that appears. Why am I disgusted with my own reflection you ask? It's because what I see when I look in the mirror, isn't see me. The person whose fucking smirks glistens the reflective glass isn't me. The person that when we are together, holds back his tongue isn't me. The person that hasn't been able to make you laugh or think deeply isn't me. The person that is always fumbling over himself and hasn't been as active as you would like, isn't me. The person that those in the "real world' see isn't me. But dammit, its all people are able to see. So they think he is me!! I hate looking in the mirror, because I don't see me, I see him. Yes, his face looks somewhat like mine. Yes, he has features that resemble me. But let me tell you, that isn't me. Just look at that fucking smirk. What the hell is he happy about?
As you can tell, him and I do not get along. I really hate him. Which is funny, because at one point I worshiped him and totally wanted to be him. But I have since come to my senses and everyday for over three years now, I have been fighting him. You see it all started when She came into my life. She was everything I needed. he was threatened by her. He didn't like what she did to me. Feelings in check? Nah, he hates emotions, they are his weakness; so he murdered them. She said it was okay to showcase feelings and not be out of control. He was in an uproar. No lies? Shit, he almost went bonkers. he thrived on lies and misdirection. He found it fun to lie and keep people shrouded in mystery. he loved making people believe what they wanted and just running with it. She was able to get the truth out and that threatened everything. There was something more there. But he was determined to never see that realized, because if the truth of the connection was ever found out, it would surely be the end of him. But little did he know, was that she planted seeds. She began turning the wheels. The process was begun and there was no stopping it. His days were numbered. He was desperate. And made a desperate move. In the end he won. He got rid of her. Remember I said when people look at me they see him? Well he made his most visible appearance ever and she went away. But like I said she already started his destruction.
The war began when I sent her that letter revealing all of his little secrets. Yes, all of the secrets he held dear; all of the lies and bullshit he piled up was revealed to her. It was losing her that a part of me was gone and just like that I knew he had to go too.
He tries his best to fight back. He wouldn't allow me to show up when another wanted me to be around. He thought that she was too much like her. And he hates her. He turned everything off when it came to dealing with another. Being with another, he just would do nothing. And that was all that was necessary to gain another lost. I'm tired of losing. Over a thousand wins accomplished, but its the losses that makes him strong. he likes the misery he puts me through. he is determined to either turn me back to the man I was with him in control or totally destroy me. I wont have it. I have tasted freedom and I like it.
I have found Harmony in Death. Friends come and go. Love is born and lost. Failures are had as well as successes. I have seen a lot and I have experienced a lot. In a little over a week on Monday, April 5th, 2010, I will be celebrating my Silver Anniversary. 25 years I have been in this world and only about two years I have actually lived. I blame him. Yes, there were fun times. I have to admit that even now, I yearn for some of the talents and abilities he has mastered. I want to harness parts of him. But I know that I have to be careful in doing that because he is evil. What I don't need, I need to kill and destroy completely. he is causing too many problems. I am going into my second quarter. And I want more. He is too comfortable. I want to be very uncomfortable right now. Because it contradicts him. He doesn't deserve to smirk. I hate that fucking smirk. I need to knock that smirk off his face.
He is winning this war right now. He has taken from me those that I once held dear. he has made it difficult for me to call in help, because people are either tired of my bullshit or I have or rather he has hurt them so much, they want to keep a safe distance from me; if they even decide to stay around. I cant blame them. I can only blame him. And for that I am gearing up and fighting back. I hate 'no'. I hate hearing 'no'. I hate accepting 'no'. And his presence is a big 'no' to who I want to be. To who I need to be. This is just day one. The war is far from over.
Stay tuned.
He was on top of the world. No one could tell him anything. He felt invincible. Trail after trail that came before him, he dominated and excelled. He was Jack of all Trades, a master of all he surveyed. His power was only limited to his own imagination. Then just like that, it was all gone. The power and ability he once commanded with ease was a distant memory. The glories of his conquests were all thrown to legend. He became a broken man. Beaten and bruised. For years he would travel and sulk; licking his wounds. He found himself a shell of his former-self. Even the mundane became drastically hard to accomplish. He was bombarded with failure after failure. He was ashamed. He called out for help and none came. Those that were around him in his glory days were nowhere to be found. They all abandoned him. What good was he to anyone? He hides away in a cave. The guilt and shame he felt forced him to hide himself. He ventured deeper and deeper in this cave of intense darkness hoping to just wallow away. He didn't think he could ever rightfully face the people of this world. He hoped to die. Weaker and weaker he became. Then a mighty roar was heard and the he found himself sharing the cave with almighty and ferocious beast. The beast attacked. He thought to just lay there and allow the animal to devour him. To kill him off and end his misery. But something awoken in him and in the last minute he rolled out of the way. He stood up for the first time in years and looked the beast dead in the eyes. Something in the man had changed. In the face of death he was reborn. He looked at the beast as the culmination of all his issues and problems and thought that he should at least face them standing like a man. He engaged the best in a turbulent battle. The cave shakes and rattled. The floor beneath them caved in and the two, man and beast found themselves in a might pit. His mind was racing, he was facing his issues, but things still seemed to get worst and worst. Now he was in a damn pit. Even if he was to survive the encounter with the beats, he wouldn’t be able to escape the pit. But he endured. He continued fighting. The beast seemed to get bigger and bigger as despair continued to set in. But He would face it head on. He would no longer allow his mistakes to dictate his future. He was on top before, he would do it again. He would not hide and die. He was better than that. He fought on. And finally he killed the beast. And then he stood on top of the carcass of the dead animal to prop hi up and help him out of the pit. Then for the first time in years. He stood and basked in the glory of the day. Embraced the sunshine and walked on.
Why am I looking in the mirror. I hate looking in the mirror. I am disgusted with the reflection that appears. Why am I disgusted with my own reflection you ask? It's because what I see when I look in the mirror, isn't see me. The person whose fucking smirks glistens the reflective glass isn't me. The person that when we are together, holds back his tongue isn't me. The person that hasn't been able to make you laugh or think deeply isn't me. The person that is always fumbling over himself and hasn't been as active as you would like, isn't me. The person that those in the "real world' see isn't me. But dammit, its all people are able to see. So they think he is me!! I hate looking in the mirror, because I don't see me, I see him. Yes, his face looks somewhat like mine. Yes, he has features that resemble me. But let me tell you, that isn't me. Just look at that fucking smirk. What the hell is he happy about?
As you can tell, him and I do not get along. I really hate him. Which is funny, because at one point I worshiped him and totally wanted to be him. But I have since come to my senses and everyday for over three years now, I have been fighting him. You see it all started when She came into my life. She was everything I needed. he was threatened by her. He didn't like what she did to me. Feelings in check? Nah, he hates emotions, they are his weakness; so he murdered them. She said it was okay to showcase feelings and not be out of control. He was in an uproar. No lies? Shit, he almost went bonkers. he thrived on lies and misdirection. He found it fun to lie and keep people shrouded in mystery. he loved making people believe what they wanted and just running with it. She was able to get the truth out and that threatened everything. There was something more there. But he was determined to never see that realized, because if the truth of the connection was ever found out, it would surely be the end of him. But little did he know, was that she planted seeds. She began turning the wheels. The process was begun and there was no stopping it. His days were numbered. He was desperate. And made a desperate move. In the end he won. He got rid of her. Remember I said when people look at me they see him? Well he made his most visible appearance ever and she went away. But like I said she already started his destruction.
The war began when I sent her that letter revealing all of his little secrets. Yes, all of the secrets he held dear; all of the lies and bullshit he piled up was revealed to her. It was losing her that a part of me was gone and just like that I knew he had to go too.
He tries his best to fight back. He wouldn't allow me to show up when another wanted me to be around. He thought that she was too much like her. And he hates her. He turned everything off when it came to dealing with another. Being with another, he just would do nothing. And that was all that was necessary to gain another lost. I'm tired of losing. Over a thousand wins accomplished, but its the losses that makes him strong. he likes the misery he puts me through. he is determined to either turn me back to the man I was with him in control or totally destroy me. I wont have it. I have tasted freedom and I like it.
I have found Harmony in Death. Friends come and go. Love is born and lost. Failures are had as well as successes. I have seen a lot and I have experienced a lot. In a little over a week on Monday, April 5th, 2010, I will be celebrating my Silver Anniversary. 25 years I have been in this world and only about two years I have actually lived. I blame him. Yes, there were fun times. I have to admit that even now, I yearn for some of the talents and abilities he has mastered. I want to harness parts of him. But I know that I have to be careful in doing that because he is evil. What I don't need, I need to kill and destroy completely. he is causing too many problems. I am going into my second quarter. And I want more. He is too comfortable. I want to be very uncomfortable right now. Because it contradicts him. He doesn't deserve to smirk. I hate that fucking smirk. I need to knock that smirk off his face.
He is winning this war right now. He has taken from me those that I once held dear. he has made it difficult for me to call in help, because people are either tired of my bullshit or I have or rather he has hurt them so much, they want to keep a safe distance from me; if they even decide to stay around. I cant blame them. I can only blame him. And for that I am gearing up and fighting back. I hate 'no'. I hate hearing 'no'. I hate accepting 'no'. And his presence is a big 'no' to who I want to be. To who I need to be. This is just day one. The war is far from over.
Stay tuned.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)