How long can you play the role of victim? How long does it take for you to graduate to that of survivor? When does it become necessary for you to transform from a mere survivor, to that of a full fledged warrior?
He was on top of the world. No one could tell him anything. He felt invincible. Trail after trail that came before him, he dominated and excelled. He was Jack of all Trades, a master of all he surveyed. His power was only limited to his own imagination. Then just like that, it was all gone. The power and ability he once commanded with ease was a distant memory. The glories of his conquests were all thrown to legend. He became a broken man. Beaten and bruised. For years he would travel and sulk; licking his wounds. He found himself a shell of his former-self. Even the mundane became drastically hard to accomplish. He was bombarded with failure after failure. He was ashamed. He called out for help and none came. Those that were around him in his glory days were nowhere to be found. They all abandoned him. What good was he to anyone? He hides away in a cave. The guilt and shame he felt forced him to hide himself. He ventured deeper and deeper in this cave of intense darkness hoping to just wallow away. He didn't think he could ever rightfully face the people of this world. He hoped to die. Weaker and weaker he became. Then a mighty roar was heard and the he found himself sharing the cave with almighty and ferocious beast. The beast attacked. He thought to just lay there and allow the animal to devour him. To kill him off and end his misery. But something awoken in him and in the last minute he rolled out of the way. He stood up for the first time in years and looked the beast dead in the eyes. Something in the man had changed. In the face of death he was reborn. He looked at the beast as the culmination of all his issues and problems and thought that he should at least face them standing like a man. He engaged the best in a turbulent battle. The cave shakes and rattled. The floor beneath them caved in and the two, man and beast found themselves in a might pit. His mind was racing, he was facing his issues, but things still seemed to get worst and worst. Now he was in a damn pit. Even if he was to survive the encounter with the beats, he wouldn’t be able to escape the pit. But he endured. He continued fighting. The beast seemed to get bigger and bigger as despair continued to set in. But He would face it head on. He would no longer allow his mistakes to dictate his future. He was on top before, he would do it again. He would not hide and die. He was better than that. He fought on. And finally he killed the beast. And then he stood on top of the carcass of the dead animal to prop hi up and help him out of the pit. Then for the first time in years. He stood and basked in the glory of the day. Embraced the sunshine and walked on.
Why am I looking in the mirror. I hate looking in the mirror. I am disgusted with the reflection that appears. Why am I disgusted with my own reflection you ask? It's because what I see when I look in the mirror, isn't see me. The person whose fucking smirks glistens the reflective glass isn't me. The person that when we are together, holds back his tongue isn't me. The person that hasn't been able to make you laugh or think deeply isn't me. The person that is always fumbling over himself and hasn't been as active as you would like, isn't me. The person that those in the "real world' see isn't me. But dammit, its all people are able to see. So they think he is me!! I hate looking in the mirror, because I don't see me, I see him. Yes, his face looks somewhat like mine. Yes, he has features that resemble me. But let me tell you, that isn't me. Just look at that fucking smirk. What the hell is he happy about?
As you can tell, him and I do not get along. I really hate him. Which is funny, because at one point I worshiped him and totally wanted to be him. But I have since come to my senses and everyday for over three years now, I have been fighting him. You see it all started when She came into my life. She was everything I needed. he was threatened by her. He didn't like what she did to me. Feelings in check? Nah, he hates emotions, they are his weakness; so he murdered them. She said it was okay to showcase feelings and not be out of control. He was in an uproar. No lies? Shit, he almost went bonkers. he thrived on lies and misdirection. He found it fun to lie and keep people shrouded in mystery. he loved making people believe what they wanted and just running with it. She was able to get the truth out and that threatened everything. There was something more there. But he was determined to never see that realized, because if the truth of the connection was ever found out, it would surely be the end of him. But little did he know, was that she planted seeds. She began turning the wheels. The process was begun and there was no stopping it. His days were numbered. He was desperate. And made a desperate move. In the end he won. He got rid of her. Remember I said when people look at me they see him? Well he made his most visible appearance ever and she went away. But like I said she already started his destruction.
The war began when I sent her that letter revealing all of his little secrets. Yes, all of the secrets he held dear; all of the lies and bullshit he piled up was revealed to her. It was losing her that a part of me was gone and just like that I knew he had to go too.
He tries his best to fight back. He wouldn't allow me to show up when another wanted me to be around. He thought that she was too much like her. And he hates her. He turned everything off when it came to dealing with another. Being with another, he just would do nothing. And that was all that was necessary to gain another lost. I'm tired of losing. Over a thousand wins accomplished, but its the losses that makes him strong. he likes the misery he puts me through. he is determined to either turn me back to the man I was with him in control or totally destroy me. I wont have it. I have tasted freedom and I like it.
I have found Harmony in Death. Friends come and go. Love is born and lost. Failures are had as well as successes. I have seen a lot and I have experienced a lot. In a little over a week on Monday, April 5th, 2010, I will be celebrating my Silver Anniversary. 25 years I have been in this world and only about two years I have actually lived. I blame him. Yes, there were fun times. I have to admit that even now, I yearn for some of the talents and abilities he has mastered. I want to harness parts of him. But I know that I have to be careful in doing that because he is evil. What I don't need, I need to kill and destroy completely. he is causing too many problems. I am going into my second quarter. And I want more. He is too comfortable. I want to be very uncomfortable right now. Because it contradicts him. He doesn't deserve to smirk. I hate that fucking smirk. I need to knock that smirk off his face.
He is winning this war right now. He has taken from me those that I once held dear. he has made it difficult for me to call in help, because people are either tired of my bullshit or I have or rather he has hurt them so much, they want to keep a safe distance from me; if they even decide to stay around. I cant blame them. I can only blame him. And for that I am gearing up and fighting back. I hate 'no'. I hate hearing 'no'. I hate accepting 'no'. And his presence is a big 'no' to who I want to be. To who I need to be. This is just day one. The war is far from over.
Stay tuned.
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